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11. Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle
Lucifer and I are reviewing the fine print of the contract where I agree to sell my soul if he disappears every teenage girl on the planet when I hear Miss Waters concerned voice, "Mr. Jefferson, are you all right?" I reluctantly open my eyes, great contract lost and see Miss Waters taking the steam out of pokeys' balls. The blushing orbs radiate enough heat to cause the air around them to waver. The curvaceous 20-year-old scrutinizes the problem. After a moment of hesitation she leans over, opens her mouth wide enough to make room for both balls, and slurps them in.
The cooling respite is overwhelming. All thoughts of hell incarnate are driven from my mind as I luxuriate in her ballroom. My spheres dance with her tongue in happy bounces until the reality of my pose hits home. A girl my own age is licking my balls. I remonstrate, "Miss Waters, what are you doing? Are you a tramp? Stop it immediately." The cooling caresses desist, but instead of leaving, the ballroom suddenly gets a lot smaller. Cutting walls clamp down, removing all the dancers bounce. A gnawing starts to form, that would scare even the "Big Apple". I modify my approach, "Miss Waters, I'm sorry I didn't mean to call you a tramp. It's just so hard to think straight when I'm in such pain." The crunch slows, pauses and reverses. The caresses return, the dancer returns, the bounces return, and my shame escalates.
Pokey in cheek, Miss Waters slurs, "Will you be civil now and thank me for cooling your balls."
The bite taken out of me, I answer, "Thanks Miss Waters, they were uncomfortably hot. You were very kind to help. Please don't sink your teeth into them."
Miss Waters spits out my balls, turns to me with a grin and jokes, "You are in no danger Mr. Jefferson, I never bite off more than I can chew. Now I just popped over to see if you need anything before your grade 10 class starts. Anything I can help you with?"
How she graduated University boggles my mind. Here I am naked, split 90 degrees, with a microscope/projector attached to my pokey and she wants to know if she can help.
My thighs are contorted impossibly, every muscle on strike action. I appeal to her humanity; "My legs are feeling very numb Miss Waters, could you perhaps lever my legs to the floor?"
Fat chance. Do females have humanity? Miss Waters drink in my eyes and softly comments, "You've agreed to take your punishments Mr. Jefferson. It will be up to your Grade 10 class to decide if you should be given succor." I tremble at the thought of my next jury. My imagination brings tears to my eyes. Miss Waters, observing closely, queries, "Why do you fight us Mr. Jefferson? We are just asking you to teach physics to our young charges. Why is it so important for you to continuously belittle us?"
Through tears I pour out my heart, "Because women hate nerds. So nerds hate women". Shit, what did I just say? This woman is a psychologist; any data I give her about my feelings will be used against me. Must throw her off the track quickly, I amend, "Witness how important it is for everyone in this school to humiliate me. I'm always naked but none of you are." If I can get her to think my position is about fairness then some of my deeper feelings will stay covered, where they belong.
Miss Waters studiously analyses what I've said. Has my misdirection worked? I cheer inside when I hear her say, "I think I understand your point, let me talk this over with Miss Kali and get back to you." My grade ten class starts to quietly shuffle in. Miss Waters, trying to be encouraging, says, "Your punishment is only for one day. Try to be a man about it. Have a good class Mr. Jefferson." I falter at her implication as she takes her leave.
New York Martha gets the ball rolling with, "The class have discussed your misdemeanor. We are all disappointed and agree that you need to be taken down a peg or two. In fact, 20 pegs is our decision. Do we have your cooperation or not?"
Taken down from these chains is exactly what I want, and the more pegs worth the better. I respond, "Yes Miss Martha, I will so submit." I realized my error when each girl came forward holding a clothes peg. Quickly I reverse direction, "Ah, I didn't understand what you meant by pegs, I've changed my mind." Martha, the first in line, pays no heed and attaches a peg to one of my nipples sending shoots of pain into my overdosed brain. The next peg attaches to my other nipple. My brain balances the pain. My testicles are the next targets. 7 pegs later one scrunched scrotum screams. 15 pegs later one ragged rear rages. 17 pegs later one aerated anus annihilates. 19 pegs later two checked cheeks cry. 20 pegs later one nipped nose nauseas. I whimper, "No more, please no more."
Martha takes my nose peg and tilting my head down until I'm looking at her says, "We're done now Mr. Jefferson. There will be no more if you behave. Now what is the lesson for today?"
How can I possibly teach these evil female children like this? My anus pegs pull up and out. More fresh air than is healthy hits the scene. I can begin the lesson. "Ok, ok, stop pulling, I'll start." The hole closes and I commence, "Is it possible to measure the position and speed of a particle with perfect precision?" Finally I find a safe subject. I see no way they can heap any more indignity on me figuring out an experiment for this.
Lettie thinks up an idea, reconsiders and lapses into silence. Martha looks glum, even boy scouts don't know everything. Margarida fails to do Little Portugal proud. Debbie then shows why Vietnam won the war. She states, "If we shine a very tight laser beam into the microscope while a particle has momentum we can measure its position and momentum perfectly. Margarida get the laser." The laser is switched on. The microscope/projector is switched on. Pokey jumps into the room with the laser light shining in front of his eye like the sword of Damascus. Debbie continues, "Now we know the distance between the eye and the laser so we can calculate the momentum when a particle leaves the eye by timing the event with our stopwatches. The laser defines the exact position so we will know both the position and momentum exactly. But how do we get the gun to shoot into the high energy laser beam?" All the girls worried that over fully remembering that nothing fired during their general theory of relativity class.
Margarida, not one to forget a grudge says, "This fat cow thinks that all we have to do is ask Mr. Jefferson to shoot. After all, he did say he would cooperate." The girls sigh with relief and look at me expectantly.
Now what am I supposed to do? I certainly have no intention of "coming out" in front of twenty 16-year-olds. Never mind pointing out to these dummies that a guy doesn't come just by ordering his pokey around. Especially when his pokey is in a crystal ball. "I'm sorry girls, but what you are asking me to do is physically impossible. It can't be done."
Margarida furiously disagrees, "Sally told me you shot in her grade 12 class and there was only a magnet around you. You're a liar."
Lisa takes my nose peg ominously, "Is this true Mr. Jefferson. Did you shoot in the air without touching anything?"
I have no intelligent response. How can I explain what happened was impossible. I try gamely, "That was a special situation. I was overwrought. I can't do it again."
Lisa gives me a wicked look and with a malicious grin pronounces my doom. "Girls, Mr. Jefferson has just informed us that he can shoot if he is overwrought. I want each of you to man your peg station and work on making Mr. Jefferson overwrought. I'll time the shoot." My God, she thinks she has me pegged but misunderstands it all completely.
They start with my nipples, twisting and pulling until they are three times their normal width and length. Testicle action would have floored me if it weren't for the chains. My bum pegs pull me wide open and then shut me tightly. They open and close me until my backside is enflamed. My bum hole pegs started winking me on and off. Cheeks and nose pegging morph my face hideously. The agony changes pokey to a shadow of his normal flaccid state. Vietnam grits into my ear, "We can keep this up until the end of the class. I would advise you to shoot."
I'm desperate. I have to shoot. I need to fantasize like I've never fantasized before. My brain commands my pain centers to become pleasure centers. I dream the ultimate fantasy. She unbuttons the top button of her blouse making me promise that I'll be gentle. The next button and I see the gentle swell of her breasts forming. On the third button I can see her lacy red bra. She tells me she wants to save herself until she is married. But she finds my brain irresistible. She tears off the last two buttons exposing two beautiful bulges encased in red surrounded by white creamy skin. She reaches behind her to take off her bra. The dragon fills half the room and the girls, believing he is the result of their peg work redouble their twisting/pulling efforts until the dragon lords it over the whole room. My pegged body converts to pain/pleasure principles as she cups her bra, straps dangling down her sides. Pokey starts to hump the room furiously. She begins to lift the cups from her golden breasts and just before I see glory, the dragon belches white fire. Screaming girls snap me out of the fantasy. "No, no, I'm not finished. I didn't see her breasts." Confused, I gape at the action around me.
Lisa stares at her calculations and with sudden understanding said, "When I perfectly measured the position of a white particle it shot off in another direction with an unknown speed. I wanted to measure the position accurately, which is why I chose a very narrow laser frequency. However, the energy of the laser was so strong that it completely changed the momentum of the particle. This can only mean that the more accurate one measures the position, then the more unknown the momentum. I can only conclude that it is not possible to know both the position and momentum of a particle simultaneously."
All peg action stops. Debbie extrapolates, "But the opposite then must also be true. The more accurately we know the momentum, then the less we know about its position. In fact if we know it's momentum to 34 decimal places then the particle could be anywhere in the universe. Mr. Jefferson, have we got this right?"
Skewered with pegs doing a perfect 90-degree split chained to the ceiling gives me the right not to congratulate them. Anal peg warnings are communicated. I change my mind. "Yes Debbie, that is a quantum reality. Specifically Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle proves that ;
The degree of uncertainty in momentum times the degree of uncertainty in position = Planks constant / ( 2 x pi )
So, for example, if we know the momentum exactly, the uncertainty in position must be infinite in order to keep the product constant. Hence the particle can be anywhere in the universe.
This uncertainty leads to many strange things. In a Quantum Mechanical world, you cannot predict where a particle will be with 100 % certainty. You can only speak in terms of probabilities. If we say that an atom will be at some location with a 99 % probability, then there is a 1 % probability it will be somewhere else (in fact, there will be a small but finite probability that it will be found across the Universe). This is strange. We do not know if this indeterminism is actually the way the Universe works because the theory of Quantum Mechanics is probably incomplete. We do not know if the Universe actually behaves in a probabilistic manner (there are many possible paths a particle can follow and the observed path is chosen probabilistically) or if the Universe is deterministic in the sense that you can predict the path a particle will follow with 100 % certainty. A consequence of the Quantum Mechanical nature of the world is that particles can appear in places where they have no right to be.
Margarida face runs through a gauntlet of emotions. She whispers, "Mr. Jefferson, are you saying a particle in the white shower we just saw could have ended up anywhere?"
"Yes Margarida, those particles are quite large but there is a finite chance they could have ended up anywhere", I answer, not sure what she is getting at.
"Immaculate conception", she breathes. The girls kneel in obeisance. The dragon pulses with pride.
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