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13. Quantum Entanglement
My conference with the devil is abruptly ended by Miss Pringle's sharp slap to my bum. "Mr. Jefferson, you are such a lay about, come one, time for lunch". I struggle to reenter reality hell. Losing patience, Miss Pringle activates her joystick approach. Her fat thumb skewers me back to the present. "You like this don't you Mr. Jefferson?"
This fat lady is on my hit list for sure. "No Miss Pringle, I detest it. Take your thumb out please." Instead, she presses her thumb hard forcing my ass to the table. The intrusion, most unwelcome, prompted a, "Please Miss Pringle, you are hurting me." Leaning over, strange bumps pressing on my back, she meows and rapidly thumbs the target zone. My gripping walls try to expel her to no avail. The friction is raw. With faltering diction I plead, "Miss Pringle, please stop, I'll cooperate with anything you have in mind."
She forcefully turns my drained face to meet her flushed face. "All right Mr. Jefferson, you can begin by showing a little more enthusiasm and support for this school. We are on the edge of profitability and need your help in getting this school on the map. Start thinking about what we are going show at the science fair this Friday. If we win, out future is guaranteed." Her thumb stops moving and rests deep in my throbbing corridor. My mind twirls around what she just said. My bum, caring only about repelling the invasion, gives two tight Morse code squeezes around Miss Pringle's thumb. Amused, her thumb bends an acknowledgement into the twisting corridor. "You will give your proposal to Miss Kali tomorrow morning? I have your promise?" Her thumb bends gradually bends my tunnel ninety degrees as I urgently squeeze out bowed replies. Looking at my shriveled pokey disdainfully, she joysticks me from the table and onto my feet, "That's agreed then. Ok, let's get you fed. Need you to keep your strength up." Miss Pringle thumbs me to the cafeteria's front where Miss Kali and Miss Waters sit with stern composures, a high chair between them. A banquet of food brings my stomach to life. I eye the offerings hungrily. Miss Kali nods at the high chair. Miss Pringle gives me a thumb up and withdraws her person and appendage as my bum settles down on the chair level with Kali Water eyes.
Miss Kali stands and calls for the girls' attention. "Girls, Mr. Jefferson is very hungry and should be fed. However, this is his punishment day and we shouldn't make it too easy. I have decided that Mr. Jefferson can eat anything that can be mimed by his pokey and balls. If he asks for your assistance, please extend your cooperation. Please proceed Mr. Jefferson."
I muffle out a protest, "Miss Kali, I can't touch my pokey and balls in front of all these girls. It would look like I'm playing with myself. Can't we work something out?"
The room holds its breath waiting for Miss Kali's answer. Instead, she picks up a ruler and looks significantly at my pokey and balls. She starts to tap the ruler ominously in her hand, striking it harder and harder, not taking her eyes off the package for a moment. Pokey quails at the concept she is transmitting and overrules my dignity. My stomach takes over and spying a hamburger, my stomach orders my hands to wrap my penis in my balls to deliver the mime. The delusory effect gets no votes from the gallery. I try again, being careful to stay away from my testicles; once again, no votes. My stomach is crying for relief. "Can someone help me please? I want to eat a hamburger."
With the speed of New York, Martha beats sluggish Sweden to my balls. "Sure Mr. Jefferson, I'll make hamburger out of you." Before I'm given a chance to warn her about testicle sensitivity she turns pokey into a curly fry and palms flat, mashes my balls and testicles as flat as a pancake. The girls all approve the hamburger configuration.
Miss Kali seeing the anguish on my face picks up a hamburger and let's me take a bite. "Eat faster Mr. Jefferson, the mime must be active while you're being fed." Martha squashes my balls between her hands a bit harder. The pain is blinding. I gnaw and swallow the hamburger like a lion. Almost biting Miss Kali's finger off to get the last piece, I finish and the hammerlock unsnaps. "Aren't you going to say thank you for my help?" Martha sweetly inquires.
The relief felt in my second and third floors is immense. My third floor says, "Thank you Miss Martha, I really was hungry." The third floor persists, most of its rooms still empty. "I would like to eat some more." I look at the food trying to think of something to eat that the second floor wouldn't object too. Spying an apple, I try to make my balls that shape. The girls are mystified. Explaining, I say, "I'd like an apple, it's an apple, can I eat it now?"
Rebecca stands and says, "I know all about apples Mr. Jefferson. We have lots of apple trees in Vancouver." She comes forward and looking at the material on hand forms her approach. Taking a piece of ball skin on one side she rotates it clockwise until its tense on pokeys neck. Skinning a piece from the other side she rotates it clockwise until it joins it pinned partner. My insides jumble, my left ball doesn't know what my right ball is doing. My second floor contorts into a mobius strip. Pulling fingers observes, "There, perfectly round with just the right stem length." The girls vote their approval. Miss Waters picks up an apple an presents it to me in much the same way Eve presented her apple to Adam. Rebecca takes a good grip on ball skin and with both hands, pulls until my apple shines. "Eat up Mr. Jefferson, I can only hold you to perfection for so long."
I consume that apple amid second floor wreckage, teeth munching faster than Miss Waters can turn the apple. I demolish the apple just before the second floor collapses. Vancouver fingers, white from effort, let go. Rebecca glows, "Happy Mr. Jefferson, you got your apple. What would you like next."
I think my second floor has suffered enough on behalf of my third floor. I shake my head. Miss Kali picks up the ruler and commences that dastardly tapping. "Mr. Jefferson, I'm concerned that you aren't eating enough. Have some desert at least." Knowing how useless it is to argue on punishment day I see some jelly and holding my balls give them a little shake.
The girls' eyes rapidly move from my exhibit to the dessert table trying to figure out the message. Denmark twigs out, "He wants some jelly girls. He really isn't very good at paradigms. I'll go help him." Sophie comes forward and centers each ball into the cups of her palms. She jiggles them. She bounces them. She speeds up. At quivering speed I eat the jelly Miss Kali and Miss Waters spoon. I get the last bit in my mouth as Sophie's juggling act reaches its peak. They smash into each other. I screech in pain, spittle slivers of apple spraying over squealing girls. Wiping a piece from her face, Sophia gives my balls a hard Danish squeeze and says, "That was fun Mr. Jefferson. I like helping you."
Miss Kali and Miss Waters abruptly stand up. Miss Kali commands, "Girls, time for your next class. Mr. Jefferson, you just have your grade 12 class to finish and your punishment day will almost be finished. Miss Waters, please escort him to his class."
Miss Waters helps me down from the chair and wraps an arm around my naked waist with unbecoming familiarity. Looking down, my curiosity gets the best of me. "Miss Waters, what are those bumps are your chest. I notice everyone here has them. Is there some sort of contest going on?"
Miss Waters gives me a look of astonishment. "Are you talking about my breasts Mr. Jefferson?" My confused face confuses her. She brightens, "Mr. Jefferson, you are learning how to control pokey troubling thoughts. I'll talk with you about these bumps another day. Right now you have to take some different lumps at your next class." Miss Waters leads me to the front of my Grade 12 class, a merry group of 18-year-olds enter closely behind. Miss Waters, giving me an unwanted hug, queries the girls, "Have you decided on Mr. Jefferson's punishment"?
Laura speaks up. "We only ask for Mr. Jefferson's cooperation when we need to prove an experiment in this or any future class." She looks at me as I nod my assent in not a little relief. I've had enough punishment today. Laura observing my relief pricks it a little with, "Don't be too happy Mr. Jefferson. We girls have been cross-referencing with the leaders of the other grades and we know full well what you have called some of us. Only your very best behavior will provide you succor What are you teaching today, and it better be interesting."
The girls are talking about me with each other. I didn't like the sounds of that. A Miss Waters pokey slap snaps me to the lesson. "Quantum entanglement Girls. When a particle is entangled, it means that two particles are identical in every way. They have the same spin, momentum and relative position. If the wave form of either particle collapses, the other particle will collapse at the same time even if the two particles are many light years apart." Disbelieving faces meet my statement. "No one knows what the maximum size of an entangled particle can be. Anton Zeilinger has entangled a buckyball, a molecule with 60 carbon atoms, so we know it is at least that large."
Calgary pipes up, "How does on create an entangled particle Mr. Jefferson?" I explain to Susan that very complicated equipment is needed and it wouldn't be possible to duplicate the experiments in this classroom. Susan did not gives up easily, "But there must be some simple way to do it, using a crystal as a splitter perhaps?" I'm impressed, it took the physics community a few years to figure that one out. I reply, "Yes, Susan barium borate crystals coupled with lasers will create entangled particles."
Janice crys, "Our new computer routers have these crystals. Let's pry them out." Three room routers yield their crystals and are delivered into Janice's hands. She picks up some glue, comes forward and superglue my pokey and balls with twenty barium borate crystals. "Katy run to the other rooms and get as many laser pointers as you can." Katy returns with a laser for each girl. Janice finishes her instructions, "All right, each girl point their laser at one the crystals." I don't have the hearts to tell them this experiment has no chance. Let them learn the hard way I reason. Meanwhile, unless pokey wants to live in a crystal palace, I'd better remember what the formula is to remove superglue.
Twenty ghostly images begin to float away from my cock and balls. They solidify. Perfect package replications majestically march in step to each girl's light source. Frightened, Rebecca punches the disembodied parcel. My balls explode and I would have fell down if it weren't for Miss Rivers supporting arm. All the images disappear.
Rebecca says in an embarrassed tone, "I'm sorry Mr. Jefferson, I now understand that punching your entangled balls feels the same for you as if I punched your actual balls. But why did all the entangled balls disappear on my punch."
I'm having trouble believing what's going on. Entanglement is not supposed to work on massive objects. Looking down at my drained pokey, I ruefully conclude that he doesn't look that massive. I explain to Rebecca, "When you punched my balls, you collapsed the waveform and entanglement disengaged. Therefore the images disappeared."
Rebecca, composure regained says, "I panicked, it wouldn't happen again. Let's do it again girls, but this time let's be gentle with the entangled pokies so they don't collapse."
20 girls shine their lasers. Twenty entangled "cock and ball" shows drift to their owners. Each girl gently blows on her offering. My pokey tries to retreat into his ball shell to get away from gale force winds. Rebecca, stridently says, "He's getting away, stroke him gently." Twenty girls wet a finger and begin to stroke the turtle's head, trying to get him out of his shell. The sensation is exquisite, twenty fingers stroking where there should only be space for one brought the turtle out into the sun. Twenty pokies grew simultaneously with mine until 21 six-inch rods sliced the room.
Miss Waters decides to give a hand. Wrapping her fingers around pokey she starts to jerk him up and down. The girls, taking their cue, duplicate her motions. My pokey, happily mummified, croons with pleasure. Miss Waters mouths her approval. The other girls latch on with their mouths. Twenty-one wet slurping wet homes move pokey to an impossible 7 inches. He throbs in pleasure, enjoying this type of licking much more than previous lickings. This sure beats ants. Miss Waters swallows me whole. Twenty girls gag in response. The pressure of twenty-one soft throats moves my drained balls to the top of my sacs in their desperation to deliver some sort of reward. My brain spirals down and down until it is joined with all the pokies. I blow my pokey brains out into Miss Waters and twenty girls heads. The waveform collapses leaving only Miss Waters with the real item. My pokey brain stays connected with all the girls' brains. Information overload commences. He grows to accommodate the new information. Miss Waters, surprised, happily drinks me in. The connections with the girls' brains strengthen until they feel permanently wired. Miss Waters, headache sensing something awry, nips him down. I pull Miss Waters hair trying to escape the pain. The girls are all holding their heads from a sudden migraine. Miss Waters, through clenched teeth, mutters, "Take your hands away from my hair if you want to keep this Mr. Jefferson." Her incisive ways are most convincing. I helplessly drop my hands to my sides and pray I end up with a complete package. It was nip and tuck, but she finally ceases her carnivorous activity and brightly looks up at me to say, "Finish your lecture Mr. Jefferson, you're all juiced out. You need some rest."
I turn to a group of white-faced girls and conclude,
Entanglement is a real phenomenon (Einstein called it "spooky action at a distance"), which has been demonstrated repeatedly through experimentation. The mechanism behind it cannot, as yet, be fully explained by any theory. One proposed theory suggests that all particles on earth were once compacted tightly together and, as a consequence, maintain a connectedness.
Rebecca concludes, "Thank you Mr. Jefferson, that was most entangled." My pokey jerks; all the girls hold their heads and leave rapidly.
Miss Waters, hand around waist again escorts me to my basement villa. Setting me down on the bed, she asks, with hands on hips, "What is going on Mr. Jefferson? I can see your pokey and balls in my mind even when I close my eyes. Get your disgusting package out of my head right now." I'm at a loss for words. What is she talking about. She slaps my balls in anger and as I anguish she falls to the floor holding her head. She runs out of the room.
I wonder what happened. My devil brain, in his new entangled pokey home chuckles evilly, "and so it begins."
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