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13.
I barely remembered getting back yesterday. I knew I got in a cab and then I was home. I remember showering and falling into bed while I was still wet. I must have closed the blinds though. The room was dark, though there were cracks of daylight around the window. I turned my alarm around and the saw 12:23 in glowing digits. Almost 24 hours of my life had disappeared.
I didn't really feel like thinking about what had happened yet. I got out of bed and went in the bathroom. I sat on the toilet, willing my mind to remain blank. I didn't want to even imagine who it was that Alan had turned loose on me. By the time I finished wiping myself, I thought I could taste cum in my mouth. That didn't shock me but catching myself licking my lips did. In the medicine cabinet, I found that my nearly new bottle of mouthwash was empty. I must have drunk it all when I got home, I thought wryly. I rinsed my mouth in the sink and went back to bed.
I awoke out of a dream with the alarm was going off. I had been back in that park. The cock was being forced on me again. Only this time I was also using a huge vibrator in my pussy. It seemed that I had been sucking forever and my jaw ached. Then Alan was there, telling me I had to make it come, so that I could come and then I could rest. At last, it began to spurt… but then it wouldn't stop and no matter how much I swallowed there was always more. Finally I was too tired to swallow and it just overflowed from my mouth. I knew if I could just come it would all be over, so I fucked myself harder and the sound of the vibrator in my pussy kept getting louder. When I came up out of it I had to pull my hands from between my legs.
The alarm was still buzzing and I slapped at it until it stopped. It was past 5 in the morning. I realized I had to get ready. I had tests to give today. God, what was wrong with me? I had slept forever and I was as tired as if I had actually lived that dream. I was probably suffering from traumatic emotional exhaustion. T.E.E., I thought bitterly. I wondered if just getting real TEEd off would help.
That was the problem though…I would be getting mad at myself. Alan's attitude had been straightforward and consistent. I had known all along that he was a risky piece of business. Being with him had been so different and perversely exciting though that I had driven through all the warning signs. What the fuck was I doing anyway, I thought. I had to get dressed. I didn't have any time for self-analysis. Twenty minutes later, I was as together as I was going to get and headed for the door.
"Shit!" I said out loud.
I just remembered I had no wheels. This was all I needed! Now I would be fucking late. I ran for the phonebook and was looking for taxis, when I glanced out the window and saw my car in the drive. Another rabbit from Alan's magical hat! I slammed down the phone. What was he trying to do with this gesture, I wondered? Was it an apology? A taunt? One minute I 'm stranded at home and the next everything is back to normal. It pissed me off that he seemed to be able to create and dissolve my problems at will.
As I drove, my thoughts were a swirl of contradictions. My head was sorting through anger, outrage, guilt and self-loathing, as if searching out the right dress for an occasion. Something I'd read by Lawrence Sanders popped into my head, 'Sex is the thinking woman's valium'. As much as I hated to admit it, I was beginning to doubt my ability to think my way through this. Maybe it was more about excitement, curiosity and desire. It dawned on me that, unlike Alan, I had always repressed my instincts. When I distilled all the contradictions, a fear of my own instincts was all that remained.
The morning seemed to last forever. Fortunately, since it was a test day, the usual inane questions were held at bay by long periods of silence. At lunch, I settled for a cup of coffee. I was still so wrapped up in myself that I didn't notice Jenny next to me until she startled me with a loud laugh.
"Oh, hi. What's so funny?"
"You are, Miss Sly! You were SO in trouble with me for standing us up Friday but now that I know what happened, I forgive you. Okay, spill it. What's he like?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Quit playin', girl. I know you've met someone and judging by all those flowers, someone SWEET!"
"Flowers?"
"You must not have stopped in the teacher's lounge this morning. You got enough flowers in there for a wedding and a funeral! I snooped but there's no card."
"Shit." I said.
"When do I get to meet him?"
"I'm not going to see him again."
"Are you crazy? …. Wait a minute. Did he send all those to say he's sorry for something?"
" Jenny, I don't feel like talking about it right now."
"Okay, okay. Look, I'll call you later and we'll talk then. Don't give up on this guy though. Shit, most men don't even know when they hurt a woman's feelings. Whatever mistake this man made, he seems to have the class to admit it. Hey, I gotta go, I'll call."
The thought of Alan making a 'mistake' was laughable. I was no longer even convinced that our meeting had been accidental. I was beginning to suspect that everything that had happened was part of some Machiavellian campaign. Why he had chosen me though was eluding me.
Driving home, I had an impulse to drive into the city and confront him. I would just tell him that he had gotten the wrong impression of me. That I wasn't really the kind of woman who begged a man to fuck her on the first night. That I should never have allowed him to talk me into parading around in public half dressed. That what he had done had hurt me. There was no need for him to know that, on my knees, in the grass, I'd had the wildest come of my life. Listening to myself though, I realized how utterly ridiculous all that would sound. No, I would stop for Chinese take-out, go home and grade goddamn tests and put Mr. Alan Cameron out of my mind.
The flowers had truly been beautiful. I had told everyone that they were delivered by mistake and handed them out to anyone who wanted them. I felt that accepting them would have meant accepting other things I was just not ready for. Besides which, there had been so damn many of them that I could never have carried them to the car.
I pulled in the drive and there on my doorstep were the same flowers I had given away! I knew then that was no way I was going to avoid seeing Alan again.
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