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Luke was, in many ways, everything Anne had ever wanted. She was not sure whether she felt this way because Luke was her first crush or because of the way she was brought up with him always around. Maybe she would have liked him anyway had they met randomly at a coffee shop some place, some time, far away from here and now. She was extremely confused by the way things had unfolded between them. When they were younger, their parents had hinted that maybe Luke and she would get married when they were older. In some ways it was expected of them, but Anne had not known that until she was about 15. Perhaps that was why Luke always resented her. At least, she felt that he always resented her.
Anne remembered sitting in her mother’s car once. It was cold and they had just gotten coffee from their local shop. Anne had seen Jimmy Smicks, the boy that stared at her when she walked by, and the one that she secretly pined for.
“Jimmy’s nice.” Her mother said, noticing her daughter’s longing gaze penetrating the glass windows of their car and the coffee shop. Anne had, as her mother knew she would, turned red and hastily sipped her coffee.
“He’s ok.” She said, turning away.
“You shouldn’t date much, you know.” Said her mother, taking a deep breath.
“What? Why shouldn’t I date? I’m old enough!” fought Anne.
“Your father and I forbid it. You’ll be grounded if you try.”
“What?!” shrieked Anne.
“You know who you’re supposed to be with. You should spend more time with him.”
Anne looked dull, as though she couldn’t figure out a puzzle.
“Who are you talking about?” she asked sincerely.
“Luke, ofcourse.”
“Luke!”
“Yes, Luke. What’s wrong with him?”
“Ugh! If Luke had it his way, I’d be dead. Anyway, he’s at college. He’s probably boinking all the girls he can.”
“Luke is home from college and he doesn’t really show any interest in girls.”
“Well, maybe he’s gay.” Shrugged Anne, secretly hoping for and dreading the idea.
“He did have one girlfriend for a very long time.”
“He never brought her home.”
“She broke his heart before he could. Maybe you should ask him to go out. He’s moping at home.”
“He can go out with Dad or Bobby.”
“He did go out with your father and brother when it first happened. They used to go camping you know, and he helped fix up the garage, but it looks like he’s really depressed.”
“Well, how would a 15 year old be any help to a broken –hearted 23 year old? What do you want me to say to him? I mean Mom, we don’t exactly have the type of relationship where we console each other.”
“Well maybe it’ll come as a welcome surprise to him.”
Anne sighed and didn’t say anything back until they got home. She turned to her mother.
“So that’s why I can’t date. Luke.” She verified.
For a moment, her mother looked sad, but nodded as though it were an unavoidable truth.
When Anne and her mother came home, Luke was over watching television in the living room. He was watching some basketball and didn’t seem to hear anyone come in.
“Hey Luke!” said Anne’s mom cheerfully.
“Hey Martha.” He said, turning his head.
“My folks are waiting for you. Everyone is over there. They hijacked the remote.”
“Oh Luke, when will you learn there’s nothing better than yahtzee and Monty Python on a Friday night?”
Both Luke and Anne looked horrified, which made her mother laugh.
“It’s the yahtzee mother.” Said Anne.
“Well ok, I’m going to take some popcorn over. Luke, I hope you don’t mind, but Anne’s got a bit of homework to do. She might join you in here if you don’t mind.” Said her mother, to Anne’s horror.
“No problem. The game’s almost over, but I might stay and watch t.v. if you don’t mind.”
“Oh, it’s not problem, right Anne.” She said expectantly.
“No. No problem.”
“Would you guys like some popcorn?”
“Sure.” Said Luke.
Anne didn’t know why, but she was embarrassed and her entire body felt like it was under a lot of pressure. Maybe this is what it felt like when people swam too deep in the ocean.
Anne’s mom left the popcorn to pop and then left with batch she had prepared for her own engagement.
Anne waited for it to stop and emptied it into a huge bowl. She plopped it in front of Luke and started to walk away to get her homework.
“Do you have any coke?”
Anne turned around.
“Yes.” She said and then turned and walked away again.
When she came back down he was in the same position as she had let him, without a coke anywhere in sight.
She sighed, thinking that maybe the poor guy was really in a lot of pain. He seemed distracted by something other than the game.
“Do you want lime in it? She said, walking over to the fridge.
“Yes.” He said a bit annoyed.
She brought it to him and sat on the couch, crossing her legs Indian style.
She did her homework for an hour while Luke watched t.v. He was watching some horror movie, but still seemed distracted. Anne had, until that very minute, been thinking of something to say to him.
She looked at him for a moment and thought about what her mother had said to her in the car about them getting married. It was just wishful thinking on her mother’s part, Anne was sure. Anne did not even think she was worthy of Luke’s glances sometimes. She was skinny and pale and had never been blond. She looked like marble. She didn’t know what kind of girl Luke liked, but his mother was blond and Luke was blond and everyone in their families was blond except Anne. She got it from her grandmother who had passed.
Luke was suddenly staring back at her, a fist full of pop corn in his hand.
“What?” he said.
Anne shook her head as though it was inconsequential and went back to her homework. Then she stopped and still looking down, she spoke to him.
“Mom says you broke up with a girl.”
“I did.”
“Did she break up with you or did you break up with her?”
“It’s none of your business.”
“Right. I know. I’m being rude. Sorry.” Anne was babbling.
A moment passed.
“Are you going out with boys?” he asked before throwing popcorn into his mouth.
“It’s none of your business.” She said, half teasingly. The other half wanted to say yes just to see his reaction.
“If you don’t tell me I’ll tell your parents that you are. I’ll tell them that you went all the way.” He threatened.
Anne looked horrified. “I’m not allowed to date.” She said defensively.
“Rules don’t stop people from doing things if they want to do it bad enough.” He said.
“You can’t expect me to tell you things when you don’t tell me things.” She said.
“Look at you, you’re a baby.” He said condescendingly.
“I’m not a baby. You’re just a jerk.” She said and without knowing why, she felt tears welling up. Luke sat up, the humor gone from his face.
“Don’t speak to me that way and stop crying. It makes you look like a baby even more.”
Anne slammed her books on the table and got up from the couch, gathering her materials.
“You know why I can’t date? Because my parents want me to marry YOU.” She spat.
Luke smirked. “I know.” He said.
Anne stopped what she was doing and looked up.
“You do?” she said, surprised.
“Yeah, my parents and your parents have been saving up ever since you were born.”
“That’s disgusting.” Anne said angrier than she intended.
“Well, it’s always nice to be married to someone who feels the same way about things.” He said.
“If you don’t want to, why haven’t you said anything to them?”
“Who said I haven’t? Who said I don’t want to marry you?”
“You just said you feel the same way!” was she crazy?
“Oh, I meant it’s disgusting that they saved up like that. Don’t worry. They’re saving up for school too.” He said cheerily.
“This is a big joke to you?” she said, sitting down on the couch, shaking.
“It’s a big joke, because they knew when you were born.”
“What do you mean?” she asked bewildered.
“Well,” he said leaning over toward her, “who would want to marry you? You haven’t even lost your baby fat.”
Anne felt the sting of his words. No one had ever called her fat, but for some reason, the fact that Luke said it meant something. He was watching her reaction and smiling.
“You really are a jerk.” She said, getting up and taking her books and pencils.
Anne was thinking about that memory while preparing dinner. Most of her life now revolved around going to school and doing chores and homework while trying to keep up with Luke and his needs.
Her body often ached and it didn’t help that she was getting bonier by the passing months. Luke had found this disgusting and ordered her to gain weight. One night he had brought home a woman from who-knows-where. She was a business woman, from what Anne could tell by her garb, and much older than Luke. He had told Anne to take her food to her room and so she had, realizing that maybe he would satiate his needs with other women.
She heard them making love, but a while later, the front door opened and closed and Luke was saying a happy goodbye. Anne thought that maybe he did not prefer his conquests to stay over night. He had never allowed Anne to sleep next to him in his bed.
It didn’t matter, she had found away to make all of this go away.
But then she had felt Luke on top of her, his legs squeezing her body and his hands wrapping around her waist. He was leaning down and breathing into her ear. Anne gulped.
“Do you think I’m not going to touch you just because you’re like this?” he said, grabbing her hair and yanking her head up. Anne gasped.
He licked the side of her face from her jaw line to her temple and bit her cheek hard. Anne yelped and fought against his grip.
He flipped her over and slapped her across the other cheek.
Anne put her hand to it and sat up, backing away glaring at him. She could barely see his face except for the sliver of light coming from the hall.
Luke was shaking too and he was angry. He grabbed her around her hip, her bone jutting out starkly.
“What is this?” he asked menacingly. “What are you doing to yourself?”
“I didn’t do it on purpose.” She tried to reason.
In one swoop Luke picked her up and laid her on the bed, getting on top of her. He rammed himself in. She was completely dry and it caused her to shriek. She tried to clench her teeth but she couldn’t breathe. She felt suffocated. Luke held her in place and thrust up forcefully. He was looking down at her face most of the time. He nibbled on her ear and neck and bit down hard each time he thrust. When he was done he emptied into her and got off.
Anne got up to run to the bathroom and clean herself, but he pushed her back down.
“Keep it in. Use it as lube.” He said before sliding his hand down to her slit. He pushed his middle and index finger in, swishing around his fluid and fingering her.
“Pretend you like it.” He said.
Anne was in so much pain she barely heard him.
He bent down and sucked on her neck, but it made Anne tense up more.
“Just rock your hips with my fingers he whispered.”
Anne followed his fingers with her hips and found that it felt a little better, but he was still going too hard for her.
He stopped abruptly and mounted her again.
“Do what you just did and we’ll be good.”
She tried to do as he asked. She rocked her hips with his, but he was thrusting too hard.
“You keep stopping.” He said in frustration.
Anne gulped, mistaking it for anger.
“What is it?” he said in annoyance.
She froze, unable to speak in fear of upsetting him further.
“Anne!” He barked. He looked at her when she didn’t respond and saw that she was petrified. Sighing, he tried again and spoke in a softer voice. “Anne.” He said.
“What do you want me to do?”
“I just want you to keep rhythm with me. I didn’t think it was that hard. It’s just fucking after all.”
“I’m trying to keep pace with you.”
“But? What’s the hiccup?”
“I’m trying to get used to it.”
“Used to what?”
“Your thrusts.”
Luke rolled onto his back and pulled Anne towards him.
“Get on.”
Anne straddled him and lowered herself down gingerly.
She liked this feeling more. She was full but it didn’t hurt apart from his girth.
Luke had his eyes closed and was holding onto her hips.
He squeezed and guided her hips in the motion he wanted. It was much more pleasurable to Anne. She found herself grinding on him and moaning. He was panting and pulling her towards him. He held her still and pounded her until he came. When he was done he flipped her over to her original position on her back and him on top. He nibbled her neck and took her nipples between his fingers. He was going slow and much gentler than before, gauging her reaction. Anne arched her back as she came. Luke rolled off her and she ran to the bathroom to clean up. She took a shower and came back. Luke was still in her bed.
“Do you want me to leave?” she asked, confused.
He shook his head and patted the space beside him.
Anne climbed onto the bed but stayed sitting. Luke mimicked her. He started rubbing her back. Anne swallowed, panicking. She did not know why he all of a sudden felt as though she merited a back rub. Regardless, it was making her tense up.
“Why are you tensing up when I’m trying to give you a back rub?” he said annoyed again.
“Why are you giving me a back rub?”
“Because I want to.”
“Luke, it’s late, can’t I just go to bed?”
“No. It’s a Friday and I want touch you.”
“You touch me enough.” She said a bit too curtly.
“You don’t want me to be too rough. Now you don’t want me to do anything to soothe you. What do you want?”
“I can’t tell you what I want.” She said, getting under the covers. To her surprise Luke also got under the covers. He started rubbing her thighs and belly.
“Why did you make yourself so thin?”
“I told you I didn’t do it on purpose.”
“I saw you flush the food down the toilet.”
Anne’s eyes widened and she gulped.
“If you tell me the truth I won’t get mad. I won’t punish you.” He said truthfully.
Anne sighed, not knowing whether she could trust him.
“Tell me.” He said stroking her cheek.
“At first I did it because you said I had baby fat. Then I guess I lost track. And tonight I had this epiphany that maybe, if I kept this up, you’d find someone else to torture.” She winced.
“I was just teasing!” he said mortified. “You never struck me as an idiot.”
“Forget it.” said Anne, getting angry now for the first time in a long while.
“Don’t go away.” Said Luke, trying to grab her arm as she got off the bed.
Anne pulled away in time and stood up, but she spun around and faced him.
“You don’t get it. For an entire year I thought of ways to be more pleasing to you so you would like me. I don’t even understand why…”
“Why, what?”
“Why you do this to me everyday?”
Luke looked bewildered, but Anne continued.
“I mean, how do you bring yourself to get excited? And if you don’t even like me, why did you pick me? Why? Is it just to punish me…for something? Do you still blame me for everything?” she said, her voice cracking.
“I never blamed you.” He said. It was the one thing he could think to say.
“Then what is all this about?” she asked.
“What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell me what I did to deserve this.”
“I wanted you.”
“But you already owned me.” She said through gritted teeth.
“I would never have made me marry me.” He said defensively.
Anne laughed. “Yes, this is so much better.”
“You hated the idea of being married to me. It was clear from that night.”
“When did I ever say that?”
“You didn’t have to say it Anne. I saw your reaction. That whole night was about me and you getting together. That’s why our parents left us alone. The asked me and I said I wanted to if you wanted to. No one knew how you felt.”
“I thought you broke up with your girlfriend. I thought you were heartbroken.”
“I did break up with her six months before I came home. Yeah I was a little sad about it, but I mean,” he gulped, running his hands through his hair. “You never seemed interested in me. I just thought I’d pretend I felt the same way until…
“Until..?” she said crossing her arms.
“Until you got older…I don’t know.”
“Do you like hurting me?”
“I like hurting you physically. I like when you beg me to stop.”
Anne gulped.
“You’re the only lover I have ever had.” She told him.
“Good.” He said coldly. “That’s the way I want it.”
“Get in bed.” He ordered her.
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