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I guess it was curiosity that led me to come to Horseville Illinois, I was watching the porno's that Gerry Frankel made with Harrie Bowvase and Amelia Timmins, and my girl Francine walked in on me, and damn it to hell if that girl didn't walk straight out on me out when she saw how Harrie was hung, she wasn't hanging around with a six inch cock when there was eight inchers out there or so she said and she just walked straight out the door.
She come back an hour later for some clothes and the car keys, 'cos she got mighty cold in her nightdress what with walking through the snow drifts and all that but she had her mind made up and she set off in her little Chevette to find Gerry Frankel and get famous or worst thing get laid.
I hunted round the place and found the parts to put the engine of my 68 Mustang back together, Francie had been washing dishes in the oil pan and the pistons were under the bed, I wondered why it was so lumpy, so it took me most of a week to do fixing it up and then I had to get it in the Parlour so I could hang the engine from the ceiling and slide the Mustang under it, and that meant knocking the wall out under the window, but as soon as that was done and I did the fire damage where the fuel line come off and sprayed gas all over the headers then I guess it was no more than about three weeks before I set right off to find Francine.
Trouble was she went to Hollywood by mistake while I headed north to Horseville Illinois.
Horseville had changed from when Gerry Frankel made his pornos, the derelict shops were gone and replaced with a great row of half built whore houses, none of them finished and most of main street was levelled to make room for a parking lot which was just about empty, and the whole place had this feel like Armageddon had been and gone, see everyone went to Hollywood after fame and fortune, because when it was famous there was no whorehouse and when thy had the whore-houses were near built all the whores was gone.
I called in the Garage, "Where is everyone?" I asked.
"They all gone son, following the money," An older guy with a grey beard announced when he came in the office after ten minutes of me ringing his bell.
"I'm looking for a girl," I announced.
"Who ain't," he said, "Exceptin' Homos."
"Five five, blonde," I said.
"Nope, there ain't no girls left, whole dang place been took over by Homos." he said dismissively, "Might as well call it HomosVille, you ain't Homo are you son?"
"No Sir," I agreed.
"Whole dang place is dying," he said pretty sourly, "Hell even Gerry Frankel's gone west to join Disney corp."
"My girl came here to find some eight inch cocks." I explained.
"Hell, you better find new girl son cause I tell you when they had an eight incher inside of them you and me's going to flop round like a mop in a bucket in there." he eyed me up, "Walt Garfield," he introduced himself, "An you are?"
"Tony, Tony Meyer," I agreed.
"Hell we already got a Mayor, you lookin for a job son?"
"Yep I guess, long as it ain't ass fucking like some homo." I said, "I done farm work and I fixed up my Mustang, new pistons, reground crank new headers." I told him, never said about the fire though.
"Sam Regis needs a hand down his veterinarian place and I sure could use some help trying to fix some of the crap them Homo's drive hell I even got a MR2 out back."
"Right" I agreed, "I need someplace to sleep."
"You got tilt back seats in the Mustang ain't you?" he asked, and well he had a point.
"I'll tell Sam you're coming." he said and he wandered off.
I glanced around his yard, he had a shiny Chevvy 'Vette which I guessed was his and every lilly assed heap of crap from a VW microbus to a Nissan, I figured maybe helping the vet was a better career option than fixing Japanese crap.
Sam was sure as hell glad to see me, he had this long dead cow in his shop and every fly east of silicon valley was a queueing up to get a piece of it.
"I can't get in and I got a waiting list of Homos a mile long," he said.
"You want a tractor with a back acter," I said when I stood and looked, "Take the wall out and then you can get the cow out."
How was I to know the wall was all that held the roof up.
"Why in the hell didn't I think of that?" he said, "You get down Franco's tool hire in Maplin and I'll get the wall down."
I never got to the end of his yard before he smacked the end wall with his sledge hammer and the whole dang lot collapsed.
"Guess I should have let you do it," he suggested.
Luckily he'd been working outside so his veterinarian tools was ok but the shack was about finished.
"There anything valuable in there?" I asked.
"Propane cylinders," he said, "But we an get them out."
"Hell no burn the place down," I said "Claim on the insurance," so we did, hell you could smell the rotten meat and flies roasting in Clarksonville nigh on twenty miles away, how was I to know he never had no insurance?
Rick Nelson what owned the place came running, "Hell Sam I never meant it when I said burn the shack down."
"Shucks Rick, seemed the best idea," Sam agreed acting dumb.
"You better fix your kit in the blacksmiths shop." Rick says so we goes over there.
It weren't too bad, light and airy maybe where one of the roof sheets was gone missing but there was a forge all rusted and a great big bench and a huge vice.
"Got me a backlog of Homos," he said, "You any good at sewing son?"
"No," I said.
"You do the cutting then," he says.
"What if I get it wrong?" I asked.
"Do I look like I care?" he asked, "You got a knife?"
That's how I become an apprenticed plastic surgeon.
First job I got was sorting silicon rubber tits, they come in pairs first off but Sam just had em all chucked in a sack, ok they all had sizes marked, like D DD and Big, but some was pointy and some rounded and well old Sam never gave a damn.
"Ain't we supposed to sort of numb them," I asked, Sam nodded, "Stretch the skin some," he nodded, "Get scrubbed up?" he pointed to the horse trough.
"Hell what they expect for ninety nine, ninety nine?" he asked, "Anyway you set?" he asked.
"Sure," I agreed.
"Right here's the list you get on the cellphone and get em organised." he suggested.
"You got blood transfusion stuff?" I asked.
"Sure I got tubes, go get a porker off of Rick just in case." he suggested.
I was fixing to do as he said when a VW beetle full of Homos turned up, you know all yellow paint ad lowered suspension and flower power stickers and that, this guy climbs out in platform soles and leather pants and that, "Hello, is this Mid West Implants," he asked and when Sam nodded he asked, "Can you fit my friend Nigel in please," he said like he was that Jonny English guy out the James Bond movies or something, "Only we would like to get to Hollywood before next year."
"Sure," Sam says, "You come back around five and he'll be ready."
This guy had been growing his hair like girl length to the shoulders, natural blonde, least aways it matched his beard and moustache, but he was a scrawny little guy, probably Mexican.
"What's it to be then son," Sam asked as the other guys drove away."
"Like medium?" he asked awkwardly, not knowing as Sam only had D, DD and real big sizes in stock.
"Okey Dokey, then you get your shirt off and come right on in." Sam said, "You got cash?"
"Yes, sir," The guy says and he hands over two fifties, Sam hands me one, sticks the other in the back pocket of his Levis and took his craft knife from his back pocket, and do you know the guy faints, yeah carump, right down in a heap.
We hauled him on the bench and Sam started cutting, "You got a pair of pointy DD's in that sack." Sam asked.
"Well there's two, wouldn't call them a pair though." I replied.
"Two was a pair when did my schooling," Sam said, "Hand em over."
The guy was bleeding all over the bench like a bad B grade horror movie, the flies started getting interested and Sam asked for the Tits, I handed them over and he sets em down in the oil and dust on the bench, and next thing he's stuffing one under the guys skin, "Hey Sam that's a right," I says as he forces the silicon rubber in place.
"Who cares, they splay out better," he said, "How you know anyways?"
"Marked R for right," I says all innocent,
"Dumbass, that's R for reject." he set me straight, "That's why we gets them for thirty cents a piece." he chuckled, and then he says "Get my fishing box I wanna finish up," so I went across and fetched the box he kept beside his fishing rod.
He chose the line carefully and taking a needle from the box he started sewing, it weren't neat cos the skin was too tight by a half but with me pressing pretty soon it come together and the blood stopped bleeding mostly.
"Hey Homo wake up," Sam hollered and he slapped that guy around the face.
"W'what," he says, as he sort of shakes himself, "Oh my christ." he wails.
"You want some cocaine or something," Sam asked.
"Yeah!" he screams.
"Well there's a dealer in Clarksonville, black guy, less they lynched him as well." Sam joked, "You fixing on being a girl?"
"I'm not letting you do it," he said, "You butcher!" he said as he hauled his tee shirt part way back on and he couldn't get it over his tits.
"Look guy, what the hell do you expect for ninety nine dollars," Sam asked, "Anyways you had your quarter hour."
"I was fixing on a sex change." he said.
"You done counselling?" Sam asked.
"No!" he said.
"Best not might put you off," Sam says, "Look tell you what I'll put it on your tab ok?"
The guy stares at him through the agony, "How much?"
"Twenty dollars a month," he said but before he could answer his Homo friends come back.
I had a brain-wave so I went and told them their mate had had his tits done and was after the whole deal, except he was two hundred dollars short, they seemed real interested, and quick as that they flashed out a pair of fifties each and said they'd be back in a while.
I flashed the bills at Sam, "You set girl?" he asked.
"I guess," he said.
"Best get them pants off then." he said, "Hop on the bench." The guy slipped his pants and shorts down revealing a weenie about as big as your average rabbit has.
"Gee," Sam said, "Micro surgery," and he had the guy spread his legs while he found a wood block.
"Just put out a second son," he says and he fetched a sledge hammer down, slipped the wood block under the guys balls and smashed the hammer right down smashing his balls to a pulp.
"Aieeeee phut," the guy wailed before he passed out.
Next job was fixing up the blood pump, old Sam stunned the hog and we fixed some neoprene tube to a hand pump and stuck one end in the hog's leg vein and fed the tube through a hole in the shack wall ton the hand pump and on into the guys arm.
Next thing Sam got started,I tried to see what was happening but there was too much blood and Sam set to work with his pliers and knife and little clamps made from clothes pins and some cat gut from his fishing box and somehow he fashioned that cock skin into a cunt while I kept pumping that hand pump pumping from that hog in the yard through about ten yards of tube and into the guy's arm to stop him bleeding to death.
"Hey, son get me a beer, will you?" Sam asked.
"What about the blood?" I asked.
"Nope rather have a beer," he said, and he grinned, "I'll pump you get a couple of buds," he said.
We stood there enjoying a beer watching the Homo gurging away, while I kept pumping the blood.
"Say, won't he get sick?" I asked, "All these flies and dirt and that."
"Sure and some half million a year surgeon will fix him up on Medicare or Medicaid or some such, just as soon as he gets to the big city." he says, "You want first poke?"
"Nope, I ain't poking some bearded Homo even if he do have a cunt." I said firmly.
"Well I ain't neither, you seen Rick's hound dog around?" he asked. Gee my mind near exploded, "Only he likes left overs, balls and that."
The guy was still out cold as I shaved his face and do you know when I finished he never looked like a Homo at all, no he could have passed for a fifty year old washed up crack whore any day of the week.
Eventually we got finished. We chatted as we waited for the guy to come round.
"One time Homos was queueing up for me to fit them with tits and head off to be Shemale porno stars like Harry Beauvase," Sam said. "See I got licenses to practice as a gender re-assigner." he said and he pointed to a certificate in his fishing box.
"That ain't English," I said.
"It's Somalian," he replied, "I got it off Ebay."
"Right," I agreed, "So why?" I asked.
"I really hate Homos." he said.
"Any girls around?" I asked.
"Well, yes and no," he says, "There's Gloria, but she's mine." he said, "She come for a boob job and I fell in love right away."
"Right," I agreed.
"You wana come to dinner?" he asked.
"Sure," I agreed, wondering just how unsanitary his kitchen would be, but hell did I get a shock but first off we had to sort the Homo out, but with an elastoplast on his arm and a whole load of rag, old shirts mainly, round his crotch we fixed him up with an old mini dress and set him walking to meet his friends.
Gloria was glorious, as was Sams house, I hardly could believe it, like it was huge, about a quarter mile from Rick Nelson's place.
decided that she wanted and had his porno emporium
Rick Nelson's place just out of town where Sam Regis the veterinarian, had his shack.
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