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Weighed
Average (?):  (6/10) |
Average
Rating:  (7/10) |
| Highest
Rating: (7/10) |
| Lowest
Rating: (7/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jun 2, 2010 |
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My God! Someone actually knows how to write a serial! One of my biggest pet peeves on the BDSM Library is people who write seven pages of a novel and then post them, without taking into account plot arc, tension, climax, or resolution. It's practically an epidemic. However, in this particular case the very first "episode" of this serial actually had a sub-plot, presented the basis for the over all plot arc, had a climax, and even a cliffhanger. Sweet.
*** There were very few errors and they didn't distract from the writing. However the sentence construction was a little odd. There were a number of places were semicolons and colons should have been used and weren't. There were odd sentence extensions that were almost run on sentences, but weren't quite. Also, the whole concept of paragraphs was altered for some reason that I was unable to fathom. Paragraphs are designed to allow the writer to group similar thoughts/sentences together in order to provide organization. In story format, this should allow the reader to delineate the difference between skydiving and thinking about a previous mission. The author in this case used paragraph breaks almost like scene breaks.
*** The story started really slow, which I don't mind, especially considering this will be a serial story. This slow beginning was countered quite nicely by Suzanne's whipping, which I thought was interesting. Granted, I'm surprised that a bunch of Brazilian Bush Wackers didn't strip her naked before letting her "hang around to wait for the boss", but hey, maybe they're disciplined bush wackers.
*** From a military perspective, I'm a little surprised at Suzanne's gear, not to mention attire. Parachuting into the jungle wearing...uh... a skin tight bio-responsive Kevlar suit? Um...what does bio-responsive mean? If it was impact responsive, I'd understand that, but bio responsive? Huh? It...um...gets really tight and reveals your camel toe when you're getting whipped? Wow...amazing what Q comes up with these days. I miss the old Q. And a Glock? Seriously? She's on a mission in the jungle? I think that her commanders at MI7 WANT her dead. Why send her into a jungle combat scenario with a weapon who's combat distance is practically measured in inches? Give her a fricken rifle...or wait...maybe this is part of the plot. They WANT Suzanne dead.
*** What kind of moron walks ACROSS the clearing? Every soldier knows not to WALK ACROSS THE CLEARING! You stay in the trees so that if someone else is watching you aren't visible! Duh! What spy school did this stupid girl graduate from? Heck, even Bond would have stayed in the trees, unless there was a girl in a bikini in the center of the clearing.
**** Let's talk about MI7. MI7 was the British governments MILITARY INTELLIGENCE unit. Bond belonged to MI6, which is now the SIS. MI5 is the counter-intelligence division. So is Suzanne a military officer? If so, how the hell did she get out of boot camp? This just doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
*** In summary there were a lot of plot holes that made me pause, along with the strange sentence and paragraph construction. However, the author did a pretty good job with tension, arc, and climax, and obviously knows how to write a serial, which is refreshing.
Michael Alexander (www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (7/10)
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- Replied by:
Gincrack
(Edit) (Jun 2, 2010)
- Hi Michael and and I mean that sincerely thank you for your very thorough feedback on my story. I am totally amateur writer and have no pretensions as to my level or skills but I am a huge fan of damsel in distress & peril stories and thought I would give it a go so I must apologise for my writing style, I suppose I write as I am thinking at the time and on reading it back I agree my breaks are almost like scene changes.
With regards to plot holes and technical details I consider these stories spoofs and therefore the reader should suspend belief to some degree as with any Bond/Batman, super villain threatens the world type story. Also I wanted to story to run parallel with the real world but not into so MI 7 is totally and Suzzanne can't be the perfect agent otherwise she would cream the bad guys every time and never get caught and she must get caught so in short everything, plots, scenarios, clothing actions are there to get her caught.
So I understand where you are coming from but I hope I have explained a little of the why!
To finish can I ask if you have read any of my other Suzzanne stories as i value your feedback on those too
Best Wishes
Gincrack
- Replied by:
Michael247
(Edit) (Jun 2, 2010)
- Gincrack, to answer your question, I haven't read any of your other Suzanne stories...at least not yet. I'm planning on it though once I work my way through the current batch of new material just posted. First of all, being an amateur writer is nothing to scoff about, or be ashamed of. We were ALL (and some of us still are) amateur writers. The only way to get better is to write write write. My first stories were so bad that I can't even read them anymore. I cringe at the thought. That said, you've got some serious talent, especially in the story crafting department. So many authors here on the BDSM Library have difficulty with the concepts of plot, story arc, climax, and cliffhanger/resolution that they might as well be immaterial. But those things MAKE a story. You've got that down. Sure, there were some plot holes, which you explained nicely in your response to my review, and now need to be in the story, but you've got the stuff that is really hard to learn ready to go. Now its just filing off the rough edges.
*** I realize that this is a parody, but parodies poke fun at OTHER stories. So are you poking fun at spy stories in general? Bond Films? Agent 99? In any event, I missed the humor at making fun of these other stories, and I just felt that Suzanne wasn't really bright. You need her to get captured? Fine. Give the bad guys more assets. She can be smart and still get captured. In fact, it makes her predicament even more enticing.
*** Granted, their is something...fun...about Suzanne. She's just incompetent enough to always get herself captured and sexually tortured. Hmmm...sweet.
*** Anyway, I look forward to reading the other Suzanne stories. Keep writing! Michael.
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